So, basically, I think this post is to update my Aunt Jess on my life. Although, I'm not so sure she's the only one that views my blog anymore, but whatevs, right?
My life kinda got complicated with that whole relationship thing I went through. And I'm not so sure it's over, either. Yeah, I've been talking to my ex, so what? He's a good person. There's nothing wrong with having a good friend, right?
Except, I'm not sure how he feels about me. I thought I had buried all of my feelings for him deep sometime in the past two months since we broke up. But then, we started talking really deep this past week. He opened up to me about a lot that I didn't think he'd ever feel comfortable with talking to me about, even when we were dating. And all those feelings I had buried came rushing back to the surface when he said a few words to me... And I freaked out on him.
You see, I know how I feel about him. I'm not sure how I want to feel about him though. He's hurt me pretty bad twice, but I keep going back to him. My family thought I was crazy when I was dating him. I don't know what they would think if they knew I'm still talking to him, let alone that my feelings for him are resurfacing. Especially when he's not entirely sure what his feelings for me are. But he said he likes hanging out with me. And something to the extent that he's trying to discern his feelings for me. I'd like to think that his actions speak louder than his uncertain words, because we keep talking. And we keep talking about deep things. But maybe it's me that steers the conversation towards those things...
He's going to be deployed at the beginning of next year. It's ironic... While we were dating, I freaked out when he told me that there was a chance he'd be sent somewhere for training... I think I cried for days. Now that we aren't dating, I freaked out even more when he told me he is going to be deployed. But I can't tell him that. I can't tell him how scared I am for him. No, that would complicate things too much.
Especially since I'm moving to Maryland in January for two years. Okay, so it's not 100% certain yet, but they're flying me out for an interview on Thursday, and I'm coming back on Friday. I'm a little bit (okay a lot bit) nervous about the whole situation. But I know it'll be a good experience for me, even if it is a two year commitment. It's difficult though. And for a reason that shouldn't bother me. I'm fine with leaving my friends and family here in Utah. It's because of someone somewhere else that it bothers me. Someone who has given me nothing but a chance to go on. No, I have to go to Maryland. I can't live my life waiting for him. Not unless something changes in him.
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