I think I'm going to throw up

I've felt this way ever since I found out you're "in a relationship." That's why you canceled on me. That's why you've been avoiding me. That's why, even though we've been best friends for the past five months, you haven't said a word to me this past week and a half.

I guess it's okay though. At least now I might be able to heal. You said you still have contact with everyone you've ever dated.... well, there's a first time for everything isn't there?

Don't worry. I'm not as upset as I could be. I'm used to it. It's just my dating curse taking effect. I expect sometime soon to get a wedding announcement. But whatever.

Ob-la-di ob-la-da, life goes on.

Farewell

I'm sick of you hurting me.  I'm sick of you leading me on.  For my health's sake, I'm getting out.

I'm sick of trying to be what you want me to be, when I'm a good person as I am.  You just won't give me a chance to show you that.

There are a lot of mean things that have gone through my mind since your most recent attempts at hurting me.  However, all I have to say is this:  I wish nothing but the best for you.  I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you, but I can't keep coming back to you.

I know at one point, rather recently, I told you that I didn't want to ever walk out of your life, whether by force or by choice.  Well, you aren't giving me much of a choice now, are you?  You have chosen to walk out of my life, again, and your friends obviously know what you should do better than you know yourself.  And I'm not going to fight it any longer.

You've walked out on me three times now.  That's three times I've been the one that's stayed and watched you go.  But this time, since you've left, I don't see a reason to stay here, waiting in hopes that you'll return.  No, I'm already gone.

I'm sorry I'm not good enough.

I'm sorry I'm not good enough to be around you when your friends of 14+ years and your family are around.

I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you to text when you're around said people.

I'm sorry I don't fit the norm of what you think people should think of me.

I'm sorry that you don't think I'm good enough.

I just wish that you wouldn't lead me to believe that there's a chance for "US" when it sometimes seems as if you never mean for anything to happen.

I don't understand why you'll text me all the time when you aren't around anyone else.

I feel like I'm the "you" in the song "Dirty Little Secret." You know, the one that goes "I'll keep you my dirty little secret."

I wish you would let me in. I know its difficult for you to let others in. It's really difficult for me to be on the outskirts of your life when all I want is to be in your life-to help you through your worst trials.

"I love the part in fairytales that's very near the end
When all the kingdom cheers for their new queen
And all is well, and all is good, and everyone belongs
And happily their ever aftering

But when I enter the kingdom of dreams
And face the promise of all I can be
Will they see me as a heroine?
Tell me, will they let me in?

I love the hour the seasons change and winter turns to spring
And empty branches welcome newborn leaves
The Earth makes room for every flower that reaches to the sun
"We're glad you've come," is whispered on the breeze.

But when I enter the spring of my dreams
Just like a wildflower that bursts on the scene
Will I find my place with a gentle wind?
Tell me will they let me in?

And if a heart's breaking a part of me's aching
To show them how much that I care
But if no one lets me or turns and forgets me then how?
How can I share?

There is a part in fairytales that's very near the end
The princess and the prince proclaim their love
And hearts are healed and souls are changed and two blend into one
All orchestrated by the stars above

But when I stand at the door of my dreams
And face a lonely heart calling for me
I could fill that emptiness within
If that heart would let me in
Won't someone let me in?"

I wish you would let me in so I can help you. But until you develop that trust, I can't do anything for you.

Maybe one day you'll see the truth in everything I've ever told you and you'll start trusting me enough to let me in... I hope you do...

Depression

I know you may think I'm mad at the world. I know you think I'm highly depressed and that medication is the only thing that will help me.

You're wrong.

Maybe a little recognition for once. Maybe a thank you occasionally. Maybe actually acting like a family and supporting each other.

I know that the two of you see each other a lot, but I rarely ever see you, and when I do, you're asking me for something.

Then, theres you two. I have to be a taskmaster for one of you and slave for the other.

How am I supposed to feel? How would you feel if you were in my position?

I really am trying. I'm cleaning up after all of you again. I work incredibly slow, but I work. I'm doing it for you. Even though you don't know how to show gratitude.

I don't think people get it...

It's really difficult to go to something like a charity auction when you have no money whatsoever. It's a horrible feeling when you have no money when people around you are buying things left and right.

They say that it's not about the money, but it is. Everyone judges the person who isn't buying anything. Everyone thinks they're the snob who doesn't give to charity. Or, they know your situation and still judge you in other, even less charitable ways.

It's impossible to be charitable in the state of Utah. Everyone is looking for the praise of others, not doing things the way Christ would... To be seen of man, and not of God. Did not Christ himself warn us of the hypocrisy of the pharisees? How they pray on the streets and in their synogogs to be seen of others... And then He told us that our Father, who seeth in secret shall reward us openly.

I feel like I'm very blessed to have lived back East, where hospitality is extended to everyone: not just members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I would really like this position in Maryland, so I can observe it once again first hand.

This Sunday will be my last time playing the organ for my congregation, if I get this position. Bittersweet, but I'm excited for a new ward with new opportunities.

But then, there's the one thing that is holding me back, and my conversation with him yesterday didn't help. I flat out asked him, even though he isn't sure of his feelings for me, if there was a chance that he sees me as more than a friend-specifically in a romantic way. "There could be..."

Oh boy! Way to help me get over you... However, if you really meant that you want to spend time with me while we're both here in Utah, you better be the one who sets everything up. I'm not going to beg to spend time with you.

I know you don't get it, and I don't expect you to. I just wish you would pay attention to your thoughts and feelings and trust them for once.

How is it ok?

I tell you I still have feelings for you. 
Your response? That you see honesty as a good thing, you don't hate me, and with how quickly you said it, there's no doubt in your mind that we're still friends.

That response leaves me believing the possibility of more.

I tell you a couple of days later that I miss you and I'm excited to see you.

You say that you aren't sure how to respond to that.

Fair enough. Then I apologize for being weak and attached to you, because I'm certain your life would go on fine without me.

You say it's ok, and there's no need to apologize.

How is it ok, unless you really think you need me, too? Unless you think you're at least beginning to be as attached to me as I am to you? How is it ok?

How is it ok when you know I love you, and you keep stringing me along under the guise that you're simply trying to understand your feelings for me?

That night, so long ago, when you told me that whenever you thought of "US" you would get a warm sensation at the base of your ribs... Remember that? Remember how I told you it was the Holy Ghost? It was more than that. That was the first time you felt the love of your Heavenly Father. That is what love feels like. "...God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God..." 1 John 4:16. And the fact that you felt it about "US," well... I guess I know your feelings better than you do. I'm just waiting for you to either accept them and change for yourself, or deny them and become a bitter person.

The truth is, it's not ok. Not right now. Not until you figure things out. So I guess I'm going to try once again to stay away from you so I can bury my feelings for you again. I know it's going to be difficult. But only when I can be indifferent towards you can we be "just friends."

Hurting...

I think I've all but given up on Christmas. It's just not worth it to me anymore. I try to be thoughtful, and it either backfires on me, or I get yelled at, or both.

I'm really grateful to my ex boyfriend, who has kinda become my best friend... You see, I bought some games for my nephews and my sister in law doesn't want me to give them anything for Christmas. He offered to pay me for the presents I already bought. I don't think I'll have him pay me full price for them though, if I have him pay me for them at all, because my other option would have been to give them to charity. He'll give then to his son: a charitable cause, right?

I bought some pajamas for my sister before she told me what she wanted for Christmas. They are a really nice pair of pajamas, and I didn't spend a lot on them. She's demanding I return then and get her something five times as expensive. So, I'm just keeping the pajamas for myself. I'll use them in Maryland.

Which is another thing I'm stressed over. I really need this job. I really need to move out, because my sister is driving me crazy.

Oh, and on a happy note, my mom told me tonight that I returned home from Maryland mad at my family and the world. Gee, could it be the fact that I was treated like an actual person while I was in Maryland, instead of being walked all over?

I don't even want to spend Christmas with my family this year. How sad is that?