I knew I was wrong...

I dared to get my hopes up.

And just like that, you crushed them again.

I asked you to describe your dream woman. "A little taller than me, brunette, athletic, isn't afraid to speak her mind, is accepting of my flaws and weaknesses. Loyal and charitable, we should be devoted to each other without being overbearing."

Thank you for describing me, then telling me I'm not that woman.

And when I asked if you ever thought we would have another chance, you crushed me again when you said, "I think as friends, yes."

I said, "But not romantically..."

And then, one more time, hope: "I don't think so. I could be wrong... But I'm not seeing it right now..."

Dear Prince Charming,

What do I have to do to make you see you love me? What do I have to do to make you realize you need me as much as I need you? Do I need to walk out of your life like you have on me? Only for a little while, maybe a week or two at most... because that's as long as I can go without you... but if before that time you realized you needed me, well, of course I'd return... I'll need help from friends and family to keep me strong. But maybe it will make us both stronger and more devoted.

Maybe.

Or maybe I'll just continue to be weak and need you in my life.

Please, Prince Charming... I've been waiting a long time for you. I'm still waiting, but I'm not sure how much longer I can wait.

Come save me soon.

Sincerely your Sleeping Beauty.

I'm going crazy.

I have to talk to him every single day or I get this way.  And not just once, I have to carry on an actual conversation with him, even if I have to pull at straws to keep the conversation going.

How am I ever going to survive if he's deployed?

I was so looking forward to May, because it meant I would get to see him, but the USAF is changing our plans.

He was picked for deployment back in November, and it was supposed to take place sometime early this year.  Then, in December, it was postponed.  And while it's not officially back on yet, there are rumors.  I don't want the rumors to be true.

I want to see him in both May and September, and maybe even in July if I can swing it.

Why is it so difficult for us to be together?  Why am I so attracted to him that I can't stand not talking to him?

Why do I want the fairytale I wrote concerning us to be true?

I want him to love me, and when I confronted him about how confused I am at his words, he said, "I'm not sure what I'm thinking.  But I can't say that I'm not trying to see you in a romantic light."

Freak.  Why do I do this to myself?  Why do I let him do it to me?

I know why.  I love him.  And I can't stop loving him, no matter how hard I try.

Now We're Back To The Beginning...

I know just a few weeks ago I was never going to have anything to do with you ever again.  I guess I'm just not as strong as I thought I was.

Or maybe there's something else at work that I just can't see yet.

When we were talking last night, and I asked you if I could come visit you as a friend sometime later this year... Well, I was shocked when you said you were looking at coming to see me.  I guess I'm excited and terrified by the thought.  I know you said it was for a paintball tournament... But you also said that there were four in Texas, and I'm just about as far away from you in Texas as I can be... Why don't you choose to go to the other tournaments?

Me: "Well, good luck with getting a [paintball] team together. And I'm sure Theresa would feed you at least once while you're in Houston if you made it that far... ;-)  it would be nice to see you again..."
Him:  "Here's hoping... And that it would."

So, you're coming to Houston to see me?

It's such a shock to me that I'm not sure how I should feel about it.

I feel like we're dating again.  Even though I know we aren't.  Wait, are we?

I'm so confused.

But I know it feels like it did when we were dating... Both times...

How will I ever move on if things don't work out between us?  I have no idea, and I think that's why I want it to work out so badly...But I'm really trying not to get my hopes up this time.  But when you say you're coming to see me, and that it would be good to see each other again... I can't help it...

But you keep coming back to me, whether or not you want to admit it... Doesn't that mean I'm important to you?  Doesn't that mean that you need me in your life?

Is this what love is?  Needing someone else in your life so much that you aren't willing to give them up, even after they hurt you?

I don't know, but I know that it doesn't hurt anymore... Not now that you're back in my life...

The airport and other things.

I can honestly say that I hate flying Southwest. If it would be like it used to be, I would have been 3rd in line to board my flight that leaves in a half hour. As it stands, I'm 49th. I hate Southwest.

One thing I can't stand is when a large group of people decide to surround someone that's traveling alone and speak a different language. I haven't heard a word in English for the past hour.

I'm nervous, not gonna lie. I'm really hopeful though for this position.

And I really wish that someone specific would talk to me more than just a couple of words. I know he has been facebook stalking me though... but it's not always enough... :/

Things are looking up. :)

Yeah, I know, I shouldn't freak out like I do.  We're talking again.  Not as much as I'd like, but we're talking again.  I'll take what I can get. Especially since he commented on my facebook status for the first time in six months.  Yeah, I'll take what I can get. :)

I'll be in Texas in two days for another job interview.  Kinda looking forward to it.  It seems like it'll be the best fit for me right now.

The only thing I'm really struggling with is my family isn't really speaking to me right now.  It's difficult when you try so hard to do as they say, but they pretend like you aren't alive... Except, of course, as a chauffeur...  I spent the whole evening waiting for someone to talk to, but no one would talk to me...  Not really...

It's also more difficult than I thought it would be to go gluten-free.  My sister was diagnosed with Celiac's disease, so, WITHOUT diabetes I would have like a 20% chance of having it.  WITH diabetes, it's like a 50% chance of having it.  And since I double over in pain whenever I eat whole wheat... Well, let's just say I've self-diagnosed myself to have Celiac's disease, so I'm going gluten-free of my own accord.  But I keep finding myself cheating just a bite here.  Or just a bite there.  It's not as bad as it was in the past, but when your only choice is a rice cereal or lettuce as a quick snack... Sometimes, it's just not enough.

I'll get used to it, I'm sure.  And things will work out, just how they were supposed to...

Hallelujah, I think the healing has begun

Alright, so I'm finally to the point where I'm indifferent to whether or not he ever speaks to me again.  Life will work out exactly as it was supposed to for both him and me.  I know I have a loving Heavenly Father who wouldn't have it any other way.

It's a nice thought that, if this family likes me, I could be flying out as a move on Saturday, and canceling my return flight.  I didn't even think about it that way until my wonderful mother mentioned it last night, and it just made sense.  It would be nice to be moved on to the next chapter in my life-away from everything that reminds me of the horrific heartache I just suffered.  For the third time.

Theresa, the woman I might be working for, is a very open and honest person.  I'm entirely looking forward to working with her and her family.  It sounds like we'll have a lot in common, which is incredible.  I hope that I can show her what a good person I really am, and I really hope it's a good fit for us.

And I wish my dear Aunt Jessica would get onto recording things for her blog so I could ghost for her.

Alright, so there is one thing that's been bugging me.  I've been very careful not to view my blog on my mobile phone, just to see if the stats matched up.  Well, they don't.  There were at least 6 views of this blog on a mobile device on the 4th... Well, I took this address off of my facebook page, so whoever has this web address (in the USA)... Well, thank you for reading my blog.  I think.  I'm not sure what interest my very depressing/grief-stricken life is to you, but I hope you get a kick of out something I say once in a while. 

There is a part of me that hopes it's my ex-boyfriend (or, I guess you could say ex-friend: and not because I didn't put forth the effort), just so he can see how badly he's hurt me, but I'm fairly certain he doesn't care that he's hurt me. And I think that's why I've become indifferent.  If you followed any of that...

I really dont get it.

So, I sent you one, final message because I'm too stupid to stay away. It was quite a long message, and I didn't expect you to read it. Especially the fairytale I posted on my blog.

But that's how I found out you really did read the whole thing. Because I can tell who visits my blog.

And we're still friends on facebook, even after I told you how I feel about "us" and you read my fairytale, so you know how I've dreamed of "us" ending up.

Doesn't that mean you have to at least respect or care for me a little bit?

I know you're in a relationship with someone other than me, but your actions make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I really don't want to be attached to you anymore because, well, if you're this confused now, how could there ever be an eternal "us?"

And yet, every single time I pray, I feel so good and peaceful about "us." Maybe that's why I haven't given up on you yet. Because there's still things that need to happen between "us," even if we never make it to eternity together.

I'm flying out to Spring, TX next weekend for a long in-person interview. If that doesn't work out, there is a family in Miami, FL that is willing to fly me out. I feel better about the position in Texas than the one in Florida. We'll just have to see.