Music

Lunar
Heartache
Darkness
Petrichor
Sunbeams
Heaven
Light
Grace
Royal
Ethreal

Just a few thoughts about song titles for songs I may or may not write in the future.

I think if, for my first cd, I did a progression from darkness to light that it would be fun.

I think I've decide I'm a one word title kinda gal. My words will just be words. My music should speak for itself.

Maybe if I can figure out the story of my music,  the story in my book will come more naturally.

And maybe, I'll become famous, and other famous people will want to meet me.

I'm sure I'm getting ahead of myself though.

I wish I could write down all the music in my head,  because it's beautiful. I definitely need to learn how to play the guitar, because a lot of the music is guitar.

Ummm... I think that's all for now.

The Silver Lining

Boy, oh boy! My life is so excellent, I can hardly imagine it any other way!

I'm sure this means I'm about to experience a great trial, but I honestly have never felt more like the Lord was on my side.

I had a job interview on Monday, and I really am hoping for it. The biggest thing I'm scared of is the fact that I didn't send a thank you for the interview email, and I'm pretty sure it's too late.

But whatever happens, happens. I know in whom I've put my trust, and I know that if I am meant to have this position, then I will. I have done my best, and that is all I can do.

A few words on my exceptional happiness of late: I found out I can play the piano, to an extent, by ear. Wow! What a blessing! I've always been envious of those who can, but all I can really say is that my talents are improving.

There is sunshine in my soul today!

And the Brigham City Temple dedication is this Sunday! What a wonderful thing to participate in! :)

My Heavenly Father truly has been looking out for me recently. He has given me many small blessings that have helped me beyond all my wildest dreams: from dental appointments to true friends to blessing me with more talent than I know what to do with, I feel incredibly loved by my Heavenly Father.

I went through such a difficult time that I never wish to look back. And yet, everything has drawn me to look back. While it hurts, I wouldn't have changed anything. No, I would not have come to where I am now, save it were for the people I've known and the places I've been this past year or so.

No matter how difficult it was to go through at the time, my life now, and how it will be forevermore, was the silver lining to the dark clouds at that point in my life.

It's a lonely road

But I know it'll all be worth it.

I honestly think the people I used to hang out with hate me now. But I've stopped going out of my way for them. I'm living my life, and I'm happy with it.

I can focus on my talents, which I feel is what I really need to do right now.

The reaction I got from playing the piano on Sunday was phenomenal. I have never had such great complements in my entire life.

It made me realize something: I AM good at playing the piano. By no means am I the greatest, but you know what?

I don't have to be.

I used to envy those who could play the piano as well or better than I can now.

Now, I look at myself and think that I cannot be so talented for no reason.

I feel it's my time to try my hand at composing music.

And I know I'm going to fail over and over again.

But, maybe one day, I'll have prepared the song of my heart-one that I will not be ashamed to play in front of my Heavenly Father when I return to live with Him.

I am just beginning to discover...

Happiness.

I know, it's strange of me to say that, but I finally am beginning to understand what it means.

I thought my solitude of the past week would drive me mad and angry with the world. Instead, it's only brought me closer to my Father in Heaven, and I'm beginning to see myself in a greater light.

I have hope again for a bright future.

It's been so long since I've had hope. I had forgotten what it was. It's amazing how, even on days when my health causes me to hurt so bad that I feel like I'm about to die, I can get up and walk a mile or more.

It's a power inside of me giving me strength to try in a world that is doing it's best to make me fail. Because I know I can win, and the prize is so incredible and infinite that I can't even imagine it.

No, my health isn't all that great. But that doesn't mean my life isn't great. Just because people are mean, health issues happen, and outside influences conspire against us all doesn't me we can't be happy.

Happiness is a choice, and I choose to be happy.

The difference between being friendly and being friends

I've had enough experience with the two recently that I can now tell the difference. I try to be friends with people, but they're only friendly to me in return.

It's not like that with everyone. Just most people. There are some people that it's very obvious to me that we knew each other in the pre mortal life. They may not be the ones I'm closest to, either. But they're always the ones I can turn to in times of need, no matter how long it's been since we've spoken.

"Let go or be dragged."

I had to choose between those two very recently. And actually, I had been being dragged for a while. I was just too stubborn to admit to it. And it hurt really bad when I realized I had to let go.

I think because it's sometimes easier to be dragged along, even if it hurts, rather than standing on your own.

And yet, after letting go, I realize how much better off I am, not intentionally causing myself pain, hoping that they'll notice me dragging in the dirt behind them.

I can see how beautiful I am, and how many gifts and talents I can share with the world when I'm not in someone else's shadow.

Most people don't like me when they meet me. I know I'm not the best when it comes to dealing with others, but if people knew how my experiences have scarred me and made me the way I am, they might be more willing to let me in.

But we rush to judgement. And once our mind is made up, we seldom change it.

I have spent most of my adult life trying to see only the beauty in others. The other night, I tried to point out the flaws of these people who have hurt me.

I did it, and found something wrong with each of them.

It tore me apart though.

I needed to do it so I could let them go.

But I don't think I can stand to do it ever again.

I open my heart too easily to people who are friendly to me, rather than those who are true friends. But I can't stop doing that or I'll become the bitter person I once was. Every time I open up to people, I find myself getting hurt.

But I know I cannot become more Christ-like without loving everyone I meet-without being a true friend to everyone. It takes more than being friendly to help others on their way.

And this is crazy...

So, after I moved back to Utah, I met quite a few new, wonderful, amazing, spectacular people. And there aren't enough beautiful words in the English language to describe how incredible they all are.

However, I've had the impression multiple times now that this isn't the first time I've met one of them. And I don't know how to respond to those impressions.

I mean, I've had this impression before with at least three different people-with both men and women. But, I guess this impression has been more obscure.

I'm not even sure if obscure is the word I'm lookng for. It's been different though, that's for sure.

With the others, it's been more of a we-were-best-friends-once-upon-a-time-and-that-connection-is-the-same-here-as-it-was-there.

This time, it's closer to a we-knew-each-other-there-and-have-an-important-role-to-play-in-each-other's-lives-even-if-we-don't-spend-much-time-together.

Does that make sense? I'm not sure it does. However, trying to put my thoughts down into words helps me, even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else.

I've been trying to find a way to get closer to this person without seeming overbearing. I guess I just wish I knew what role we're supposed to play in each other's lives. It would be easier to proceed if I knew.

However, I think I may be succeeding in my endeavors.

Either that, or I'm reading this person horribly wrong. Which is an acute possibility.

Some thoughts that are pointless... like halo.

And, if you're reading this, we're probably facebook friends, and you get the joke I included in the title.

If not, you're just a bit of a creeper. But whatevs.

I've been trying to examine my feelings recently, to understand why I've been so down. And I think I've figured most of it out.

I understand now why my friends haven't been inviting me to hang out. It's because I've been so depressed. And I'm a horrible person to be around when I'm depressed.

So I'm shaking off all the offense I've been stupid enough to take, and waking up to the reality I learned in Texas, but forgot when I moved back here: I'm beautiful. I'm blessed. And I'm so happy because of that.

Bountiful am I, blissful am I, beautiful am I.

Try saying that to yourself three times in a row, three times a day.

I also haven't been writing in my journal like I should so I can look back on my days and see just how blessed I am.

Yeah, I'm struggling to find a job. So what? My wonderful parents are letting me live at home, and my sister is providing a small source of income for me until I can find a job.

How blessed am I for having that? Food, shelter, and enough income to pay my bills. I could be in a lot worse situations.

Someday, I'm going to be like my amazing Aunt Jess, who doesn't let anything stick and continuously rolls with the punches, no matter how hard the punch is or how many come at her.

While I know I'm not there yet, I know it takes practice.

So, go ahead. Insult me. Don't invite me to things.

I'll just roll with it.

But wait and see how much higher than you I'll rise if you demean me.

And if you're my friend through it all, I will do my best to help you rise higher than me.

I promise.

And my word is good.