I don't wanna mess this thing up...

I've had a ridiculously awesome couple of days... And it's all because I've been able to talk to a good friend.  It amazes me how wonderful some people are:  how Christ-like they are.  How they're really concerned about you.  It's a nice change.

I'm all the way up to chapter four with my book, which is crazy!!!  A month ago, I would not have thought I would have been this far, let alone having people actually read it, and like it.  I remember how, in school, I hated to read my writing out loud, or hated having someone read it.  There's a genuine reason behind my fears...  The whole fact that everyone who reads it gets an insight into my mind.  There have been a few things I've written that have made me blush... Thankfully, only one person has read those things...

I guess life is good.  There are a few things that could happen that would make it a whole lot better, but I'll wait patiently for those things to happen.  Like the title of this blog says, I don't wanna mess this thing up, I don't wanna push too far.  Quoted from one of Lady Antebellum's songs...  That I kinda hate, but kinda like right now.

Yes, I have a love-hate relationship with a song.  Be nice.  I'm sure you have one of those, too.  :P

Another song that I love, but don't know the title to... Or who sings it... Goes like this:

"What if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know you're near?
What if the trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?"

I think I've seen enough rain, cried enough tears, had a thousand sleepless nights, and plenty of trials...  But I know now that they're all blessings.

In family prayer last night, I had the distinct impression that I should thank Heavenly Father for all of our trials.  And I did.  And it brought tears to everyone's eyes.  I've thanked Him for my trials before, but I never have meant it so much.  I know He's preparing me for something great.  And I'm grateful he trusts me enough.

This is why I'm trying to finish my book.

I hide up in my room all day because I'm writing my book.  I'm trying to get it to the point where I can have it published so I can start making money from my home.  It's weird, I know.  Especially because I have no prospects of ever having it published.  At least not with my last name as it is right now.  Maybe my current last name will become my pen name.  Whatevs.

I'm frustrated.  I can't do anything.  I can't work outside of my home.  When I spend most of my day cleaning my house that no one else can because a back's been thrown out, another person can't put weight on one leg, another person is getting ready for work and school, and another person is too young to be of any assistance to me.

FML.

Honestly, I'm so sick of my life right now.

Oh,. and a car ran into our house the other day.

And I had to speak in Sacrament Meeting yesterday.  And I've missed SO many activities because I'm either helping a cripple, or I'm too tired from helping a cripple.

I want to move out!!!  I want to have my own place where I can live by myself and work.

But I can't.  How would they survive without me?

And  I can't afford it, either.

Maybe I should take my grandparent's advice and find the first guy I can to elope with.  That would get me out on my own.

Or maybe...

But no.  I've always been too scared to go there.

But maybe in my anger that will change.

Do you ever feel stuck?

I sure do.  Right this very moment.

I found out I can't start school until at the very least November.  My parents won't give me their tax information so I can file my fafsa.  So, I'm not starting school this fall.

I can't find employment because of my sister.  Still.  I've been raising Kyle all this time.  I found out that it's going to be my responsibility to take him to school somewhere in Ogden every day.  And pick him up.  Because Crissy is so adamant about her son going to Ogden Preparatory Academy and not Freedom Elementary like normal kids.  I could walk him there and that wouldn't be a big deal.  But no.

And I've been playing chauffeur with there only being one car available.  My dad has been leaving the Ford down at his work and taking the company van home, to save us some money on gas.  But it's greatly hindering me looking for work.

My parents are trying to refinance their house and the credit rating of the US tanked.  Awesome, right?  Not so much.

I don't see how we're going to be able to afford half of the things that are coming our way.  And I'm rather upset about it.

I feel like I should be helping out.  Not being a stay-at-home mother to everyone in my family. 

I want to be able to go to school.  I want to do cosmetology.  I want to work in a chop shop and make a little bit of money so that I can set some money aside for rainy days, like I should be able to right now.  I'm an able bodied 22 year old.  I want to move out.  I want to take care of myself.  And only myself.

Okay, so that's not entirely true.  But I'm exceptionally frustrated at my situation right now.

And I don't see a way out of it.

And I'm really frustrated that my grandparents think that I'm never going to have an offer of marriage because they think me old at the age of 22. 

I can't wait until Angie gets here and we can escape for a little while.  How I wish I could start all over some times and never look back.

But, alas, I cannot.

I have responsibilities that create an impossibility for me to work outside the home.  And I'm not motivated enough to own my own company, to work INSIDE my home.

And while I've edited a textbook before, I can't do that here.

A couple of weeks ago, I would have told you my life was about to change for the better.

Now, I'm not so sure.

Everything keeps piling up.

One thing.

Then another.

And another.

I don't know that it will ever end.

Do I want it to?

And here I am, exactly where I was a month ago.

And it terrifies me.

No one should think about these things.

No one should feel this way.

And yet, I do.

Facebook stalking isn't as fun when you're sick...

I've had a bit of a rough day today.  I woke up feeling like I was going to vomit.  And that didn't go away until like... 3pm...  And then I keep having dizzy spells followed by that vomiting feeling.  It's humid, too, which doesn't help.  I'm not used to that dang humidity here in Utah.

I keep thinking I should write in my book, but I don't really know where to start.  I have an outline of my book, and I know I should be writing in it daily, but it all seems so tediously boring to me compared to my life.  Between broken hearts, men asking me out, and men I've barely met calling me pet name (I turn around and make it SO awkward for them)... My life is quite exciting right now.  In all the wrong ways.  Yes, I've not accepted either of the date offers because I want to punch those men for being idiots.

I have the outline of my story.  I should work off of that.  In fact, I think I'll go do that now.  And leave you, my dear Aunt, to wonder at the few exciting points I talked about in this here blog.  Oh.  And I guess I need to send you Chapter One of my book, huh?  :D

I know no one except for my Aunt reads these things...

I feel like I need to blog.  So here I am, blogging.  A lot has happened these past few days that I'm going to be extremely vague about.  I'm not sure what I did, but I upset someone, and now they don't acknowledge my existence, and it hurts me more than anything else in this world ever has.  All I can really do is pray that someday she'll change her mind.  I don't know what else to do.  No matter what I try, she's still mad at me.

I mean, I can't even participate in the pinewood derby our ward is holding because she took all of my supplies and hid them.  Awfully kind of her, that was.  I was really excited about it, too.  Oh, and she's going through my things.  Yeah, that's probably the thing that upset me the most.  I feel betrayed.  And I can't do anything about it.

On a different note, I'm going to go on a date with someone I've never met before.  Yes, this is the first blind date I've ever agreed to be set up on.  I'm a bit terrified.  It's with someone that my friend who lives in Italy knows.  Apparently, this guy is visiting family out here for a while.  I don't really know how I feel about this whole thing. 

I think my emotions are running wild because I've been hurt so bad.  How can someone hurt you so bad?  And not even explain what you've done to offend?  I don't know how to make it better because I'm not entirely sure what I've done wrong.  It's the worst feeling in the world.

I have a friend who tried to help me get over the feelings of depression I had yesterday by taking me to the cemetery.  It was one of the greatest times I've ever had with her, and we've had some pretty great times together!  I know, it sounds awfully weird.  But it made me so happy to think of how wonderful cemeteries will be in the Resurrection.  They will truly be the happiest places on Earth, where families will reunite and live together forever!  Best place ever to cheer me up!!!

Oh, and my friend who lives in Italy is coming home soon because her sister is going on a mission.  I'm so incredibly excited to see her!

I think that's all for now.  I need to go write to my friend who is in Brazil right now!!!

Sunburn and Sunset

My niece and nephew from Ohio have been visiting these past two weeks.  I have absolutely loved it, even though sometimes they drive me insane. 

The sky looks like it's on fire right now.  Which is absolutely incredible.  We've had a severe thunderstorm this evening, and it was awesome.

This is a really short blog.  The end.

Feigning Friendship

Well, I don't feign friendship.  I just have many people do it to me.  Mostly either to get to a guy that I like or to keep me away from a guy that I like. 

Which happened not too long ago.  I told a girl that I liked a guy, I told her dibs, and back off, and she went ahead and played it up until he asked her out. 

She's still pretending to be my friend, when I'm not even trying to be hers anymore. 

The only way I can explain her actions around me ever since she started dating him is that she's trying to hide him from me. 

I'm not sure if she's afraid I'm going to tell him the truth of what happened, or if she's afraid I'm going to try to steal him away from her, but it's getting annoying.  I'm trying to get over it, but the way she keeps this game of hers going... It's obnoxious.

All I want to do is be his friend.  And I'm having trouble with it because of her.

But little does she know that he told me I was his only friend in the ward, while she was in the same room as me.  Good.

I'm not going to let her obnoxious attitude dictate my relationship with him.

And this post is for you, Aunt Jess.  I know you've missed updates on my crazy life.