The difference between being friendly and being friends

I've had enough experience with the two recently that I can now tell the difference. I try to be friends with people, but they're only friendly to me in return.

It's not like that with everyone. Just most people. There are some people that it's very obvious to me that we knew each other in the pre mortal life. They may not be the ones I'm closest to, either. But they're always the ones I can turn to in times of need, no matter how long it's been since we've spoken.

"Let go or be dragged."

I had to choose between those two very recently. And actually, I had been being dragged for a while. I was just too stubborn to admit to it. And it hurt really bad when I realized I had to let go.

I think because it's sometimes easier to be dragged along, even if it hurts, rather than standing on your own.

And yet, after letting go, I realize how much better off I am, not intentionally causing myself pain, hoping that they'll notice me dragging in the dirt behind them.

I can see how beautiful I am, and how many gifts and talents I can share with the world when I'm not in someone else's shadow.

Most people don't like me when they meet me. I know I'm not the best when it comes to dealing with others, but if people knew how my experiences have scarred me and made me the way I am, they might be more willing to let me in.

But we rush to judgement. And once our mind is made up, we seldom change it.

I have spent most of my adult life trying to see only the beauty in others. The other night, I tried to point out the flaws of these people who have hurt me.

I did it, and found something wrong with each of them.

It tore me apart though.

I needed to do it so I could let them go.

But I don't think I can stand to do it ever again.

I open my heart too easily to people who are friendly to me, rather than those who are true friends. But I can't stop doing that or I'll become the bitter person I once was. Every time I open up to people, I find myself getting hurt.

But I know I cannot become more Christ-like without loving everyone I meet-without being a true friend to everyone. It takes more than being friendly to help others on their way.

And this is crazy...

So, after I moved back to Utah, I met quite a few new, wonderful, amazing, spectacular people. And there aren't enough beautiful words in the English language to describe how incredible they all are.

However, I've had the impression multiple times now that this isn't the first time I've met one of them. And I don't know how to respond to those impressions.

I mean, I've had this impression before with at least three different people-with both men and women. But, I guess this impression has been more obscure.

I'm not even sure if obscure is the word I'm lookng for. It's been different though, that's for sure.

With the others, it's been more of a we-were-best-friends-once-upon-a-time-and-that-connection-is-the-same-here-as-it-was-there.

This time, it's closer to a we-knew-each-other-there-and-have-an-important-role-to-play-in-each-other's-lives-even-if-we-don't-spend-much-time-together.

Does that make sense? I'm not sure it does. However, trying to put my thoughts down into words helps me, even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else.

I've been trying to find a way to get closer to this person without seeming overbearing. I guess I just wish I knew what role we're supposed to play in each other's lives. It would be easier to proceed if I knew.

However, I think I may be succeeding in my endeavors.

Either that, or I'm reading this person horribly wrong. Which is an acute possibility.

Some thoughts that are pointless... like halo.

And, if you're reading this, we're probably facebook friends, and you get the joke I included in the title.

If not, you're just a bit of a creeper. But whatevs.

I've been trying to examine my feelings recently, to understand why I've been so down. And I think I've figured most of it out.

I understand now why my friends haven't been inviting me to hang out. It's because I've been so depressed. And I'm a horrible person to be around when I'm depressed.

So I'm shaking off all the offense I've been stupid enough to take, and waking up to the reality I learned in Texas, but forgot when I moved back here: I'm beautiful. I'm blessed. And I'm so happy because of that.

Bountiful am I, blissful am I, beautiful am I.

Try saying that to yourself three times in a row, three times a day.

I also haven't been writing in my journal like I should so I can look back on my days and see just how blessed I am.

Yeah, I'm struggling to find a job. So what? My wonderful parents are letting me live at home, and my sister is providing a small source of income for me until I can find a job.

How blessed am I for having that? Food, shelter, and enough income to pay my bills. I could be in a lot worse situations.

Someday, I'm going to be like my amazing Aunt Jess, who doesn't let anything stick and continuously rolls with the punches, no matter how hard the punch is or how many come at her.

While I know I'm not there yet, I know it takes practice.

So, go ahead. Insult me. Don't invite me to things.

I'll just roll with it.

But wait and see how much higher than you I'll rise if you demean me.

And if you're my friend through it all, I will do my best to help you rise higher than me.

I promise.

And my word is good.

Just my haunting thoughts

My bishopric changed today. I have no doubt that these men are called of God to lead and guide the YSA's in my area.

But that isn't what's bothering me.

What's bothering me are my memories of Mike. And not what happened at the end.

What happened at the beginning.

The way my breath was taken away every time I saw him, the incredible moments where we found we had something in common, the feeling I got when we pulled into the temple parking lot, the feeling I got when him, his son, and I were all in the car after a long day that was essentially perfect, and last, but not least, the way I felt every time we talked about getting married.

All those happy memories hurt me so much now.

I know why, too.

But I'm terrified to admit to it.

In fact, I won't.

It hurts far too badly for that.

I don't know what my wonderful Father in Heaven has in store for me. I know I trust in Him and His love for me.

I'm just tired of being so lonely when I'm surrounded by so many righteous and wonderful young men.

North and South

I just got done watching that movie.  All four episodes.

Goodness... I want a love story like that.  Except without all the pride getting in the way.  I just want a guy who will love me for me and who will chase after me like that.  Someone who won't give up on me, no matter how idiotic I am... Because we're all idiots when it comes to love.  I understand that now more fully than ever.  It's been a while since I've truly been in love with someone, and they hurt me so bad I don't want to love again just yet... Because I don't want the pain that comes with loving someone as much as I've loved in the past.

And I would like to welcome the person with the IP address from France to my viewership.  I don't get how you're finding this from around the world, because this blog isn't available on a search engine, but whatevs.

I think it's pretty obvious by my post that I can't sleep right now.  And I'm waking up early to go out to breakfast with my parents.  I'm excited for that, but it's obnoxious that I can't sleep.

I think after that I'm going to be going to the Bountiful Temple.  It's what I really need to do right now.  I keep praying about something really specific, and the answer keeps hitting me like a brick upside the head: "Go to the temple."

It's been really difficult for me, being so much farther away from the temple here in Utah than I was in Texas. I had made it such a priority to go to the temple when I was in Texas...  But that was to escape the horrible situation I was in.  Now that I'm jobless and don't have the luxury of other people paying for my gas money without feeling like a burden... It's been difficult.

I took a survey today to see if I could be part of a research study that would offer up to $800 compensation.  Yeah, I didn't qualify... Of course.  It would have been nice though.

I haven't even applied for any jobs yet.  I tried to get into school, but that's not going to happen until the Spring.  But maybe I'm meant to not have a job yet.  Maybe I'm meant to wait things out... See what happens.

I feel like something is about to happen that's more amazing than anything I could have ever hoped for, which kinda terrifies me.

Sometimes--okay, often--I feel so inadequate for anything that comes my way in life.  And every single time I start to think that way, I think about my Savior, and how much He loves me--how much He's done for me--and how much my Father in Heaven loves me.

How blessed I am to know that I am a daughter of God.  I'm reminded of a song called, "Thankful," by Josh Groban.  "Some days we forget to look around us - Some days we can't see the joy that surrounds us - So caught up inside ourselves - We take when we should give - So for tonight we pray for - What we know can be - And on this day we hope for - What we still can't see - It's up to us to be the change - And even though we all can still do more - There's so much to be thankful for."

I'm overwhelmed by the love I feel from my Heavenly Father and my Savior.

And I'm sure this blog is pointless for everyone but myself, but I really needed it to sort out my feelings, because simply writing in my journal tonight wasn't enough.  Maybe I'll be able to get some sleep now.

The words from my favorite lullaby my mom and dad sang to me when I was younger, "Angel Lullaby:"

"You come from a land where all is light - To a world half day and a world half night - To guard you by day you have my love - And to guard you by night your friends above - So sleep, sleep, 'till the darkness ends - Guarded by your angel friends - So sleep, sleep, 'till the darkness ends - Guarded by your angel friends - There's one that stands softly by your bed - And another waits close with a hand on your head - There's one at the window watching for the dawn - And one waits to wake you when the night is gone - So sleep, sleep, 'till the darkness ends - Guarded by your angel friends - So sleep, sleep, 'till the darkness ends - Guarded by your angel friends."

Random Thoughts...

I'm just trying to organize them, but I'm too lazy to write them all down in my journal, because it takes me far too long to write.

I'm honestly thinking about writing a new novel.  One that involves my life in Texas and a little bit of what has happened so far back here in Utah.  And maybe a little bit of the 6 months prior to me moving to Texas.  I don't think it would be all that difficult.  I just need to dust off my laptop and start writing again.  Hoping that it will all save, and not randomly shut down on me without notice...

It would be me taking writings from my journal and organizing months into maybe days, or something like that.  You know.  A place where I can let the world know just how much of an experience this past year has been for me.  I know people are interested.  But when I see them face-to-face, and they ask me about it, all I want to do is cry.  It wasn't pleasant.  It was far from it.  But I learned a lot from it.  And I learned a lot about dating.  So maybe I should write a novel based on a LDS girl's perspective of dating.

But I'd have to make up some happily ever after ending, because my life is far from that.

Sigh.

Whatevs.

I got my kitty cat some treats tonight.  I don't think his diet has been all that great, even though he loves the food we're giving him.  He's been clinging to me like a fruit fly to a piece of rotten fruit.  And boy, did I have plenty of experiences with those in Texas.  Anywho, that wasn't my point.  I meant to say that when I opened the treat bag, he came running and meowing.  And ever since then, he hasn't left me.  I want to give him more, but I know I shouldn't...

I took my nephew to the aquatic center today.  It was awesome.  He pretended like he was Aang, and I was Katara, and we were "water-bending."  Yeah.  We both love Avatar: The Last Air-Bender.  At one point, he called me Korra.  Which I'm fine with.  It was actually really fun.  Yesterday, we went to Fat Cat's and he went on the bumper cars, constantly yelling, "SNEAK ATTACK!!!"  like Sokka does on one of the episodes.  Then, with some of the tickets he won (607 with about half the tokens we got), he had to get a boomerang, just like Sokka.  He's been throwing it like crazy, and has almost got it to come all the way back to him. 

Yeah, my nephew is quite amazing.

I got sunburned today.  That wasn't so great.  I even put on sunscreen.  A lot of it.

I keep telling people that I burn like a red-head, but they don't believe me.  Given, this time, it wasn't nearly as bad as when I went to Galveston, but I wasn't in the sun for near as long.  I didn't turn crawfish red all over, just my shoulders.

Hmm... these posts seem to be longer when I actually type them up on a computer.  Maybe I'll start doing that from hereon out.  What do y'all think?  And by y'all, I mean Candace, since I'm pretty sure you're the only person that's been reading my blog.  Other than someone with a Russian IP address, which is kinda weird and creepy.

(no title)

Well, I'm back in Utah. And, rather surprisingly, I have no plans of returning to Texas.

And if there are any typos in this, I blame it on the fact that it's almost 5 am and I haven't gotten much sleep.

Which has been a huge issue with me since I got back: not sleeping well.

There have been a few things weighing on my mind that I can't seem to get away from.

Mostly men.

Why must I care?

I opened up to some really good friends tonight about how I feel, and my thoughts were confirmed. I'm just trying to figure out a way to not become bitter, because it's so easy to do.

I shouldn't even care. What effect do they have on my life? I guess I just get burned every time I spend too much time with men. And I'm in danger of making the same mistake again. So what am I going to do?

Become anti-social.

It's the best option, really. I hide in a hole, like a hermit crab, and everyone else continues on with their life, while I just try to get closer to the Lord and improve myself.

Because men can't hurt me forever.

Besides, there's a guy coming home from his mission in April, who probably thinks I've forgotten about him, since I haven't written to him in a couple of months. And while I was never intending to wait for him, he is the only guy who has ever asked for my number when it wasn't for a specific reason.

I guess we'll see if anything happens there.

And if it doesn't, then oh well.

I know what the Lord has promised me.

I just wish that men wouldn't pay any attention to me unless they were genuinely interested, because they don't realize how much they've hurt my spirit.