Just Friends

Yes. That's it. And I'm sick of dealing with the drama that comes with pretending there's more. Even if I can't fully believe that's all we'll ever be.

I know you as Anthony now. No more Michael, because that's the name I called you when I fell in love with you.

I can do this, can't I? I can truly just be your friend. I see the way our relationship has progressed and I'm pleased with it.

Now I just have to keep up this facade of friendship only. I'll figure out how... I hope...

I don't get it, and it's driving me crazy.

Honestly? I don't understand.

You finally decided to speak to me. Barely.

After I tell you to keep me out of your life so I can heal.

I realize I sent you a letter telling you that I'm certain you love me, the day before I told you to stay out of my life.

You didn't have to say anything about it. In fact, you proved one of my points in the letter by saying something.

I really think you love me and are just too blind to see it.

I mean, you won't even say goodbye to me, after all we've been through.

Does that mean you think we still have a future?

I don't know. I know I need to leave you alone now if I am to heal and if you are to ever find out that she isn't the one for you.

Because she isn't the one for you.

I am.

Texas

So, I know a lot of people have been asking me what Texas is like.  And I haven't had much of a chance to respond to them because I've been so busy with work.  So, this is my response to everyone.

Texas is absolutely wonderful.  The weather here is PERFECT right now, and the family I'm staying with is absolutely incredible.  They're wonderful people.  Truly, I count myself as so blessed to have landed this position when I did.  I was afraid at first, but now I realize that all things happen exactly when they're supposed to happen and in the way they're supposed to happen.

Homesickness?  Not really an issue.  I already have a few friends here outside of the house, and some that literally live directly behind me.  I miss my family, yes, but I'm supposed to be here.  And I love being here.

I don't really know what else to say right now.  I'll try to keep this updated so at least one person knows what's going on in my life.  Take luck, y'all!  ;)

A new life

So, its my second day on the job here in Texas. I'm already in love with these children, and I'm counting my blessings to have landed this position with this family. Even when I have both children, I'll always have help at bedtime, be it from the dad, Daniel, the cousin, Francis, or Daniel's mother who lives nearby, Susan.

There is a good spirit here. Even if these people don't share all of my values. The most difficult part is how they are all completely fine with premarital sex... that's a bit awkward for me...

My favorite thing that's happening right now is that, even after the mini fallout the guy I like seems to really be trying to make things work again. We carried on a hefty conversation last night and I had to cut him short because I had to wake up so early...

It makes me hopeful that he might be ready to let me into his life for real this time. Without the official boyfriend/girlfriend title.

I wouldn't mind that. Even if some would consider it to be baby steps.

Because if he's not deployed, he's still planning on coming to see me. Twice. Yes, he is.

I keep telling Theresa about him, calling him my kinda boyfriend-friend. She said flat out, "If he's already planned two trips, I don't think you have to guess if he's your boyfriend or not. It's obvious he is."

Yeah, that's what I'd like to think... but I'm afraid of getting my hopes up too much... especially because the "main reason" why he's coming is for paintball tournaments... but he'd be interested in seeing me, too... why in Houston and San Antonio? They're the closest to me...

I knew I was wrong...

I dared to get my hopes up.

And just like that, you crushed them again.

I asked you to describe your dream woman. "A little taller than me, brunette, athletic, isn't afraid to speak her mind, is accepting of my flaws and weaknesses. Loyal and charitable, we should be devoted to each other without being overbearing."

Thank you for describing me, then telling me I'm not that woman.

And when I asked if you ever thought we would have another chance, you crushed me again when you said, "I think as friends, yes."

I said, "But not romantically..."

And then, one more time, hope: "I don't think so. I could be wrong... But I'm not seeing it right now..."

Dear Prince Charming,

What do I have to do to make you see you love me? What do I have to do to make you realize you need me as much as I need you? Do I need to walk out of your life like you have on me? Only for a little while, maybe a week or two at most... because that's as long as I can go without you... but if before that time you realized you needed me, well, of course I'd return... I'll need help from friends and family to keep me strong. But maybe it will make us both stronger and more devoted.

Maybe.

Or maybe I'll just continue to be weak and need you in my life.

Please, Prince Charming... I've been waiting a long time for you. I'm still waiting, but I'm not sure how much longer I can wait.

Come save me soon.

Sincerely your Sleeping Beauty.

I'm going crazy.

I have to talk to him every single day or I get this way.  And not just once, I have to carry on an actual conversation with him, even if I have to pull at straws to keep the conversation going.

How am I ever going to survive if he's deployed?

I was so looking forward to May, because it meant I would get to see him, but the USAF is changing our plans.

He was picked for deployment back in November, and it was supposed to take place sometime early this year.  Then, in December, it was postponed.  And while it's not officially back on yet, there are rumors.  I don't want the rumors to be true.

I want to see him in both May and September, and maybe even in July if I can swing it.

Why is it so difficult for us to be together?  Why am I so attracted to him that I can't stand not talking to him?

Why do I want the fairytale I wrote concerning us to be true?

I want him to love me, and when I confronted him about how confused I am at his words, he said, "I'm not sure what I'm thinking.  But I can't say that I'm not trying to see you in a romantic light."

Freak.  Why do I do this to myself?  Why do I let him do it to me?

I know why.  I love him.  And I can't stop loving him, no matter how hard I try.

Now We're Back To The Beginning...

I know just a few weeks ago I was never going to have anything to do with you ever again.  I guess I'm just not as strong as I thought I was.

Or maybe there's something else at work that I just can't see yet.

When we were talking last night, and I asked you if I could come visit you as a friend sometime later this year... Well, I was shocked when you said you were looking at coming to see me.  I guess I'm excited and terrified by the thought.  I know you said it was for a paintball tournament... But you also said that there were four in Texas, and I'm just about as far away from you in Texas as I can be... Why don't you choose to go to the other tournaments?

Me: "Well, good luck with getting a [paintball] team together. And I'm sure Theresa would feed you at least once while you're in Houston if you made it that far... ;-)  it would be nice to see you again..."
Him:  "Here's hoping... And that it would."

So, you're coming to Houston to see me?

It's such a shock to me that I'm not sure how I should feel about it.

I feel like we're dating again.  Even though I know we aren't.  Wait, are we?

I'm so confused.

But I know it feels like it did when we were dating... Both times...

How will I ever move on if things don't work out between us?  I have no idea, and I think that's why I want it to work out so badly...But I'm really trying not to get my hopes up this time.  But when you say you're coming to see me, and that it would be good to see each other again... I can't help it...

But you keep coming back to me, whether or not you want to admit it... Doesn't that mean I'm important to you?  Doesn't that mean that you need me in your life?

Is this what love is?  Needing someone else in your life so much that you aren't willing to give them up, even after they hurt you?

I don't know, but I know that it doesn't hurt anymore... Not now that you're back in my life...